I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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