In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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