so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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