Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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