I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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