Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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