guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
