dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
