dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
