I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
