i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
