yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
