OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
