I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
