You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize