He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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