I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize
