I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
