Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
