Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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