My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have feelings that need drinking.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
