i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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