Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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