I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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