Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
