The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Randomize
