I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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