I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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