Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
