Cold hands, warm shart.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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