Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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