If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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