I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
