I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
