I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
