Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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