I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
In other news, I just burned my penis
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
