Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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