i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
