I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
