Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
