i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
