Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize