pop tarts are not kleenex
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
