I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
