I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize