Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
