ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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