This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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