I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
