I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
