I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The best revenge is premature balding
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
