You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
