You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
