That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
