really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
