Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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