This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
