I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
