I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
