once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
