She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize